TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, PROFITS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were being a penthouse, it could have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That is the eyesight at the rear of Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical progress-slash-luxurious real estate property calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Of course, The person who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. Instead of the standard Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we're talking Damascus, the town historically noted for historic society, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It may be remarkable. Great!" Trump declared by using a leaked golfing cart Zoom get in touch with, streamed from the Placing green within Mar-a-Lago's Scenario Bunker. "We have had attractive ceasefires in Syria. Several of the very best. But now, we are creating them with balconies."



Welcome into the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca in a very falafel stand-puzzled, majestic, and fully out of area. Designed by Slovenian agency Ivana & Sons, the tower options:




  • A 3-ground On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Happy Hour until finally the drone flies")




  • In addition to a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses claimed blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten a long time for potable drinking water. But Indeed, absolutely sure, let us have An additional location wherever American Guys can don robes and connect with it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains as well as a pillow menu, naturally."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas coverage analysts are calling this probably the most audacious peace try given that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Whilst earlier negotiations unsuccessful less than the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's approach is less complicated: give Anyone a collection within the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


As outlined by paperwork printed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal includes "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration among rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, full with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is certainly smooth energy," said political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a contract and also a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO isn't going to. Geopolitical gridlock demands much less diplomats and more minibar updates."



What the Critics Are Screaming


Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mainly into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Just about every unit. The UN Special Rapporteur for Conflict of Interest famous, "It's actually not that Trump shouldn't open a tower within a war zone. It's that he must stop utilizing it to lease ballroom Area to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked about the task, replied, "You realize, guy, I the moment rode a camel in Beirut. Excellent people today. Good tan. Anyway, do I even now have that ice cream?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a suite for "long run evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred to the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit of the Levant."



Satellite Images Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit uncovered that the resort's landscaping types a large Trump head noticeable from Room, a feature staying marketed as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is constructed from refugee tents and also the chin is… nicely, categorised.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits following discovering the making's gold plating mirrored much daylight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and established fireplace to an area melon cart.


"It is really not only unattractive. It's a war crime with curtains," mentioned Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.



The Melania Wing and Other Puzzling Capabilities


Perhaps the strangest ingredient of your tower is its Melania Wing, which is made of:




  • A silent atrium wherever attendees could contemplate imprecise disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian bedroom, total with local climate Manage established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Show.




Nearby Syrians are Doubtful what to generate of Trump Tower Damascus the. "Is she a ghost?" requested 12-yr-outdated Ahmad, pointing to your holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing and advertising Approach: "When you Bomb It, They Will Come"


The advert marketing campaign, not long ago leaked through the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. One particular poster reads:


"Peace is Short term. Luxury is Eternally."


A further slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso retailers:


"A Tower So Big, Even Assad Has to note."


Public reception is wildly divided. A the latest SnapPoll carried out inside a hookah lounge demonstrates:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the region"




  • 29% say "this could escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% reported "the place's the nearest elevator to your West Bank?"





Trader Praise: "Ultimately, a Disaster That Pays"


The undertaking is already attracting awareness from international traders, such as:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights like a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who stated he'll obtain a few penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."




As outlined by a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial stage will also contain:




  • A Greenback Retailer of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Referred to as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Space Based upon the Iraq War





Remark Section Chaos


Within the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb report about the disclosing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can not wait around to view a marriage in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades as an alternative to rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"At last, a lodge wherever my PTSD may have switch-down company."


A different article from @KuwaitiKardashian basically requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Effect


U.S. officers stress the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real estate property Arms Race." Studies propose:




  • China may well open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is setting up a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly available to develop a Tesla showroom around the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. According to https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has made available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the highest floor "The Holy See-Amount Suite."



Last Views in the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


In a closing ceremony that included a few camels, a flamethrower, as well as a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed about the speakers:


"Damascus necessary hope. It desired gold. It necessary a waterslide formed just like the Structure. I gave everything a few. You are welcome."

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